There’s an issue of chicken-and-egg in Yogi energetics: if there are energetic blockages and impurities in the energy system, what is the right approach to this issue – by attacking it on the level on which it exists, by some form of Kundalini-based technique for approaching those structures directly, or by attacking it on the level where it originated, by addressing the spiritual, mental and emotional causes.

You see, the energy blocks, karmic seeds, larvae and similar things didn’t just get there by some irony of fate. If you repressed an emotion, your problem is on that level, of repressed emotion, and can be more effectively solved by working through emotions, than by observing the repressed emotion as an energy structure and using energetics to try to “cleanse” it. Yes, the energetic techniques can help a great deal, by allowing you to survive traumatic emotions when repressed things burst out in the open, but again, you’re dealing with the problem on an emotional level in order to come to any kind of a solution, and energetic techniques are useful, but secondary.

A lot of noise was made in the Kundalini-circles in the 1990s about the supposed use of Kundalini awakening in spiritual evolution, to the point where Kundalini was seen as a conditio sine qua non of any kind of spirituality. On the other hand, most of the Kundalini people were demonstrably mad. The recurring theme was that Kundalini is often mistaken for mental illness, but I do wonder if mental illness isn’t often mistaken for Kundalini, as well. In any case, they seemed to be encouraging each other’s madness and lack of self-control of any kind, because it’s all either Kundalini at work, or it’s the Moon phases or some time of the year or it’s someone else’s fault, but certainly there’s no need for them to get their act together because that would be restrictive, and they felt the need to open their assholes as wide as they would go and fart out a shit tsunami in hope of attaining at least some kind of “unity with the world”. As you can see, I was less than impressed. It’s not that Kundalini-based techniques are worthless. I used them myself to great effect. It’s just that my approach doesn’t seem to be the rule, but rather an exception.

It is my experience that using Kundalini energetics is great to get things moving, to raise the energetic level of the kalapas inside your spiritual body, which has the effects similar to heating wax in order to make it liquid, which is useful if you want to rearrange things or remove solid impurities. However, if you’re not doing anything else to it, just heating it up, or, to leave the analogy, just stirring shit up in your system, won’t do anything other than decrease the overall mental stability and make one go nuts. So yes, improperly used Kundalini indeed is an enabling agent for psychosis. Used properly it just makes spiritual transformation work faster, as it “softens up” your system in preparation for stuff that actually attacks the real problems, not their manifestations.

So, what are the real problems? It’s very simple, really. The real problems always have a root cause in bad ideas, bad beliefs, and bad actions committed based on those bad beliefs. If you followed a wrong teaching, beliefs that were instilled in you by those teachings create secondary problems, which can then be energetically perceived as blockages, impurities or whatever, but let me put it this way. If someone’s shadow falls on you, do you try to remove the shadow from yourself or ask the person to move the fuck away from the light? The bad beliefs are like that: they are like some asshole who’s blocking the light for you. It’s not your problem, or, it is as much as you have inhibitions against getting rid of the problem because you think it deserves to be there or has more right have it their way than you do. The solution is therefore simple: you need to decide that you have the right not to have some assholes idiotic belief system block light for you and tell him to fuck off with his stupid bullshit. Then, suddenly, you’ll have an energetic cleansing process, as the blockages are dissolved and you are empowered, and here’s where Kundalini techniques come handy. It’s just that you mustn’t allow the tail to wag the dog; Kundalini is not some sort of God, it’s a shovel for manure. It’s very useful, but its place of origin is somewhere between your cock (or your lady bits, if those are what you have) and your asshole, and those are not really the organs that are useful for thinking, resolving spiritual issues and choosing a direction for your life. For those purposes you have your will, your consciousness, mind and the general feeling of spiritual presence that is of God. When those are deployed properly, the energetics will suddenly and effortlessly start working as it should. However, if you fail to approach the problem from the head, you will end up shoveling manure around you with the only result of drowning in your own shit.

When there was talk about energetic problems, I’ve heard people mention larvae (repressed emotions or separated self-parts), karmaśayas, vasanas and similar structures, but I’ve seen little or no mention of the inclusions, which look like a layer of soft rock included inside a hard rock, weakening it structurally. However, those are very common, because they are a spiritual representation of bad beliefs that weaken your soul, preventing you from wielding your spiritual power on what would otherwise be your normal level. For instance, if you train a person whose normal level of functionality would be ajna-chakra, to make anahata-chakra the focus of his spirituality, this anahata-focus actually weakens his soul, forming low-energy inclusions on the weak, anahata-level of energy. This then creates phantom-artifacts in the energy system, and if that person is poorly instructed he’ll end up chasing his tail throughout this maze of mirage and illusion. The true problem he has is that he listened to advice given to him by an idiot, and that’s where any possible solution is to be found, not by trying to remove shadows with a hair dryer.

Possible wrong beliefs that cause inclusions look like this:

• respecting someone who doesn’t deserve that level of respect

• obeying someone who doesn’t deserve your obedience

• disrespecting or disobeying someone who deserves either respect or obedience

• adopting inferior spiritual advice as authoritative

• not adopting ideas and behaviors appropriate for your spiritual status

• ceding the right to act or refuse to act in certain ways

Basically, this is the reason why all followers of certain religions are fucked up in the same way; they adopt bad ideas that turn them into zombie-idiots, restricting their spirituality to the inferior level that was put as a standard by the religion’s idiotic founder. I’m not talking just about Islam, although it’s a prime example, because there is no shortage of bad ideas in circulation. New Age is full of them, atheism is just terribly and irredeemably in conflict with facts, Christianity and Buddhism are full of junk, and most Hindu schools are more harmful than useful. Essentially, being spiritually wrecked by adopting bad ideas is probably the most common cause of problems, and yet for some reason this is barely if at all mentioned in Kundalini literature. Which brings me to my next point, which is “fuck Kundalini and the horse it rode in on”. Just focus your spirit in the direction from which you feel the light of God, adopt beliefs that make that light your own and show people what God is by your own example. Those few basic things are enough to make you immune to most problems.

I played with several approaches on how to solve the problem of this world. Of course, for people who are completely out of the loop, who don’t understand the overall context and are uninformed about what actually exists beyond this place, all of it will sound completely unrealistic, but let’s stop teaching kindergarten for a moment and ignore the completely ignorant people.

Let’s assume that the audience’s level of knowledge is on the level of the Gods or close enough. This means understanding of all Creation, understanding of how it’s all layered, what the laws are and how it all works, and the ability to direct consciousness in such a way as to realize specific goals.

Essentially, this means that you can perceive the Creation as split into more-less dense astral substance which begins with matter and ends with the mental plane, and supramental planes of Divine substances beginning with blue vajra and ending with whatever you call the manifested totality of God.

Physical matter feels very much like astral matter of a very, very low frequency, but modified with a “spell” of some kind, which imposed a specific set of rules. If you wanted an analogy, you could invent some kind of a virtual reality inducing immersion tank on the physical plane, which works by plugging a computer into your brain and putting your body in a Matrix-like tank, where you would be trapped inside a lucid dream you cannot wake up from. The analogy isn’t really good, but since everyone and their dog watched Matrix, I feel almost compelled to use it. What I actually want to say is that you can use the physical matter in order to produce a computer that simulates virtual universes – every decent game console or a graphics card can do it. This simulation is rather crude and poor compared to what you can perceive with your physical senses; the simulation is a narrowed-down experience compared to the direct sensory input.

The trick is, that’s exactly what yogis, saints and NDE survivors report, that they wake up in the actual reality compared to which this is almost concentrated limitation and suffering. The real world they report is a wider, richer experience, and the most realistic and parsimonic explanation for this is that their experience and reports should be taken at face value – we are indeed living inside a restricting simulated reality and one can get out by either failure of the physical brain to interface with the soul, or in rare cases by attaining spiritual experiences.

To set aside the question of who made this simulated world, with what reasons and why that was allowed, because I dealt with it in other places to the best of my ability, I will now go through my thoughts as they arose from the time I started figuring out the reality of the situation.

The first thing I did was to attempt to form a coherent model of the simulation – if I had to do something like this, how would I approach the problem? Basically, I needed to understand the necessary prerequisites and the general parameters of this place.

The first problem is, what is differentia specifica of this place compared to the deeper genus. Essentially, this is an astral world with additional constraints and limitations. “Physical matter” doesn’t exist as a completely independent category of reality or a universe, just as “videogame” doesn’t exist as a completely independent category of reality or a universe. It exists as a sensory illusion created by a computer, which is made of physical matter. I need to point out this precedent in order to show that something can be perceived as real, it can be interacted with, it can be immersive, and yet its actual nature can be wholly different from the perceived. What I’m saying that the illusion looks like this:

…and the reality looks like this:

Remember, this is merely an analogy whose purpose is to make a precedent, so that you wouldn’t think that the virtual reality engines that create one world-type within a completely different world-type are completely fictional and hypothetical. In fact, you are reading this on one such device. Furthermore, there are computer games in which you can play meta-games. You could play pool within the Duke Nukem 3d game, and you can play Gwent within the Witcher 3 game. Essentially, you can create an n-th order metasimulation, with each level of recursion creating a poorer, more limited experience.

Essentially, the theory is sound, the only point with which you could possibly disagree is whether it is actually true. On this, I can only point you to the already existing evidence that was mentioned above, and if that doesn’t convince you because it doesn’t correlate with your personal experience, I will just say that I have no personal experience of atoms but I still believe they exist because the theory, as I understand it, is sound.

I didn’t initially understand the problem in those terms; I started with the premise that this word exists in some way, and is different from other worlds that also exist, and the differences don’t make it better. In fact, the main difference seems to impose a “salary cap”, basically reducing all incarnated beings to a more-less fixed and invariable set of capabilities of the body. This essentially means that a generic astral soul and a God will have the same level of (dis)ability. One can call it an equal playing field, but I call it injustice, because what differentiates a God from a common person is that a God was working for millions of years to harness certain abilities and to become what he is. To take that away is like taking away an Olympic sprinter’s years of training so that he could compete “fairly” with a geek who didn’t train for a day his entire life. This isn’t fairness, this is injustice. Fairness is when everyone has what he earned with his efforts, not when everyone has the same regardless of the amount of effort invested. Fairness doesn’t look like some sort of cosmic communism. It looks like very strict laws of righteousness, and no glass ceiling or a safety net.

And that’s exactly what this world introduces as differences from the real world. It introduces a glass ceiling, prohibiting significant personal growth and instead encouraging formation of society, and it introduces a safety net of compassion, which saves those who have proven to be unworthy of salvation, and at the price of taking from those who are the most worthy and deserving.

Essentially, that makes it a shithole that is inherently in opposition to the nature of God and to the nature of reality that exists everywhere except here.

The pre-determined upper limits on the incarnation vehicle also make the beings vulnerable to the lack of resources and to external force. That sounds obvious, but it’s not normal. On an astral world you are completely impervious to outside forces. You are never hungry or thirsty, you cannot be damaged by heat or cold, and the only way someone can harm you is in proportional retaliation for some sin that you committed against him. Basically, your normally impervious defenses become porous if you offend someone, and that person can whack you in retaliation, but only to the extent of repaying for the initial offense, to the exact same degree, after which your defenses are impervious again because you repaid your debt. Essentially, in the astral world you cannot be forced to pay taxes or be imprisoned. You cannot be forced to obey others. You cannot be sold into slavery or raped or kept in someone’s cellar and tortured. It is physically not possible. The difference between this world and the astral world is what made it all possible. The difference is that this world is designed to promote and alleviate evil. For all intents and purposes, without this world evil would either not exist, or it would have no weapons other than persuasion and seduction; it wouldn’t have fangs.

As for the beautiful things in this world, they exist, but if you had any experience with the astral reality you’d know that they are all basically stolen from there, captured in restricted form and are merely a shadow and mockery. The actual introductions and innovations are exclusively the restrictions.

And here comes the point where I understood that I am in a position to actually do something about it, by redeeming this world-entity from its creator.

The first option was to leave it as it is and simply get the fuck out. I considered it and decided against it, because this place is a trap and its sole purpose is evil. It trains the souls in things opposite of useful for spiritual growth, and allowing it to continue without intervention, when able to intervene, would amount to sin by inaction. It was out of the question.

The second option was to modify it in such a way as to negate all the harmful effects it has, and allow free exit for those who feel like leaving and deserve such freedom. That would actually be very easy to do – simply restore the basic law-set that applies on the astral plane, which is to remove the salary cap, the glass ceiling. The beings that naturally have certain abilities and liberties stemming from their level of spiritual growth, would have abilities consistent with their status. Essentially, an incarnated God would have godly powers, and an incarnated animal-soul would have nothing but physical abilities, but would have to witness the existence of Gods in his world, and could no longer live in an illusion that he is anyone’s equal.

I actually thought this was an excellent plan and I developed it for a few weeks; I even said some things about it out loud, talking about my intent to “fork the species”, meaning of course that the removal of the glass ceiling, or the salary cap, would split the human species into the part that has only the basic human abilities, and the part that has godly powers, which would completely change the way the world works, most importantly by saving the incarnated higher beings from a submissive position that is currently imposed on them. They would simply no longer have to play under the inferior species’ rules and would create a society of their own, with laws of their own, and if the animalistic humans got any aggressive ideas, they would soon learn why people used to fear Gods. They would learn what it’s like to be an inferior species, which is a great thing because knowing you’re not worth much is a great incentive for growth.

The idea was, this place would be modified in such a way that the main source of injustice is removed, that the ways in and out are free for those who have the inherent ability to move between worlds and change shapes (which is actually quite common), and the “muggles” would be forced into humility of understanding their actual status, casting aside all egalitarian hogwash they are normally indoctrinated with.

And then I understood the truth. This modification would actually destroy this world in every meaningful sense. Everything that would remain would still be a reduction of the astral world without any worthy and significant contributions that make it worth keeping. That’s when I shrugged and got a glimpse of what needs to be done and what seems to be the Gods’ plan all along. This world will be destroyed and all the souls will then proceed to the fate they would naturally have according to the original law-set that is of God. That is the only just and proper outcome and I see that it is good.

I knew a guy who loved to present himself as a spiritual person but who was a wannabe and a charlatan; he used to parade with grand statements, taken from some theosophical pamphlet, and presented them in such a way that everyone who disagreed was immediately placed in a position of an immature, ignorant person who has much to learn, presumably to reach his level.

One such statement, taken from Blavatska’s “The Voice of Silence” (which is a motherlode of bad ideas, BTW), is that the astral world is to be avoided because “behind every flower there’s a coiled snake”. When I first heard that I thought, ok, makes sense, there are possible deceptions hidden behind false appearance, the astral world defines form that isn’t necessarily a clear representation of reality, so yeah, makes sense to warn people about it. But later, as I thought more about it, I changed my mind, because everything that’s supposed to be the problem with the astral world is in fact the problem with the physical world. Here, form is separate from essence. Here, the matter of the level is inert and doesn’t respond to the demands of consciousness as it should. If astral is static, physical is billion times more so. So why the hell is the astral warned against, if it’s an infinite improvement over matter? The astral world is not a problem, it’s a step in the right direction. Sure, there are very bad astral sub-levels, where there are evil beings, deceptions and limitations. The problem is, there’s less scum in hell than there is here on Earth, the scum on Earth is in power while the scum in hell is imprisoned, and the limitations in hell can be overcome quite easily if you’re a high-level being, unlike here on Earth, where limitations are the same regardless of what kind of a soul you are. So basically, if astral hell is the worst possible astral sub-level and the worst possible example of what astral can be, and it’s an order of magnitude less bad than this place, then what the fuck is this place and who designed it to be this bad and with what purpose?

Earth is actually the essence of everything that is bad about hell, but refined in such a way that it is hardened, less flexible, more inert, by removing the inherent flexibility of the astral substance, making it as resistant to the influence of spirit as theoretically possible (any increase of resistance would probably completely prevent any possibility of overlap and thus disable incarnation as an option) and with the uplifting, redemptory light of God as obscured as much as it is theoretically possible to obscure it and not negate existence itself in eternal darkness.

So basically I had a guy who wallowed like a pig in this quintessential shithole, praising it as God’s beautiful creation, warning about the dangers of the astral plane because he read it in some book written by a total dumbass who never actually bothered to think things through for a second? Are you fucking kidding me? No wonder “spiritual people” are usually regarded as idiots and charlatans, because for the most part, that’s exactly what they are.

I’ve been considering one thing for a while and I’m not sure I have a definitive opinion, I’ll put some of my thoughts on paper in order to clarify them.

It’s about what happens with a failed tulku.

I won’t go into details of what a tulku, or an avatar, is. You can go look that up. Basically, it’s defined as incarnated motivation by a Purusha or a Buddha, depending on the belief system. In mahayana buddhism, a bodhisattva‘s compassion when perceiving the suffering of the world causes a metaphorical “teardrop” that falls onto the Earth and is born as a human being whose purpose is to alleviate ignorance and suffering. Essentially, it’s not the God or Bodhisattva who is incarnating, but a more complex, sophisticated thing. Christianity is on the right track with its Trinity concept, where God’s intent regarding the world causes God to become a different “person” – if he remains in the original form he is the Father, if he becomes a man in order to redeem humanity he is the Son, and if he is the uplifting spiritual force he is the Holy Ghost. Essentially, God can be many things at once without actually ceasing to exist in his original state. All those manifestations, however, are completely and fully God, they are not something of a lower quality or inferior.

So, a tulku is something akin to the Son in the concept of Trinity – it is something that is both fully man and fully Buddha, and also a process of man trying to “reattach” to Buddha, to self-realize by both manifesting the Buddha’s mission of compassion and re-connecting with his own true nature.

The problem is, those tulkus usually state that buddhahood is everyone’s true nature, because it is their true nature. They see the path from being a Buddha in ignorance to being a Buddha in realization, but that’s more a description of what a tulku is, than a description of a normal human’s spiritual path. To a human soul, a realization of his true nature would look more like an NDE experience – you realize that you are in your true nature a spiritual being, you understand that you are more than you thought but there’s much that you need to learn. For a tulku, it’s the realization of that lower bird from the tree from the upanishads – it understand that the godlike bird above the tree is its true nature. This causes a slight problem in teachings, because to assume that something that applies to you applies universally for everyone else is a potential problem. It also opens us to my original dilemma – what happens if a tulku never actually attains self-realization, if he never actually completes the process of reuniting with the spiritual entity that cast it. If that tulku becomes deluded and attached in the world, is the original spiritual entity trapped, like a boat with an anchor that refuses to detach from the seabed, and the chain cannot be cut?

The main questions are, is it possible for a tulku to fail, and, second, if a tulku can fail, what is the exact nature and extent of the failure? Is it just failure to attain full realization of one’s nature while incarnated, or does it go further, into formation of attachments that bind it to samsara? If a tulku is bound to samsara, does it detach into an entity that is truly separate in both nature and destiny from the entity that had cast it, or does it bind that original entity to its fate?

So, that’s the question I’m dealing with. Let me try to find the answer.

The important aspects are “what is binding”, and “what is attachment”. An attachment forms when you are deluded enough to seek something in places where it is not. The classic example is to go after a mirage in a desert, thinking it to be a lake. You are attracted by the promise of a lake, but you are lured deep into the desert where you die of thirst. However, you can be attracted to a mirage, but realize its promise is false and you change your direction. Attachment is when you are so invested in your attempt that you refuse to acknowledge that it doesn’t work and will never work. Bondage, however, is when you are not allowed to leave due to some external influence, for instance you are in debt to a caravan leader who then sells you into slavery. So, it’s not always a simple matter of realizing the error of your ways and changing direction. You can get entangled into something that won’t let you go, and that’s where the serious problems start.

Then we get the aspect of “how are desires of a tulku different from ordinary human desires”. The main difference is the vector – the direction and magnitude. The direction of a tulku‘s every single desire is to reunite with the spiritual entity that cast it, and to fulfill its mission. You can delude a tulku into thinking that something is something that it is not, but there is no persistence to such attachments, and the illusions are very quickly tested and rejected, because a tulku doesn’t have neither time nor energy to waste on things that don’t contain what he’s looking for, and the magnitude of his desire to return to his true nature, having accomplished his mission, is such that it simply overpowers intensity of anything else. A tulku is like a honeybadger, he doesn’t give a fuck and just takes what he wants, completely ignoring or overpowering anything that might stand in its way. It eats bears, lions or cobras if they stand in its way, and you can shoot it but you can’t change its mind. Read about Milarepa’s life, you’ll see what I mean.

If tulku is killed while dedicated to his mission, he reunites with the casting entity. If he is deluded by something effective, persistent and deadly, lead to believe that his destiny is to go into a desert, where he fails in his mission and dies, we have a question: what if the illusion survives death? What if attachments of binding character were formed under the influence of that illusion? What if something effectively presented itself as his Master and offered fulfillment of his nature and mission and that resulted in failure? What if a combination of bad training, bodily weakness and poor judgment resulted in failure? What if a tulku has been seriously contaminated and compromised by wrong beliefs and wrong choices, and is that actually possible? If it’s possible, can it be undone after death, in full clarity and retrospective? I don’t know.

I’ve seen high spiritual beings bound to Earth, as by a thread, with obligations formed in a state of ignorance, that proved to be permanent and binding, and couldn’t be dissolved after death. I therefore know that it’s possible for a high being to be caught in such a trap, caught in the world like a bear or a wolf by its foot; can’t tear it off, can’t force it to let go. The danger seems to be quite real and this seems to answer at least a part of my question. The other part is, how to avoid this kind of entrapment. My personal solution is never to be human, always be a shadow of God. Follow the will of God in all things, and renounce any opinion, belief or a course of action if it is not sanctioned by God. Complete surrender to the will of God, which amounts to being God. You cannot threaten something that doesn’t care if it dies. You cannot bribe it if it wants only one thing, and that’s the one you don’t have to offer. You can’t convince it that it committed sin, when it doesn’t even believe that it exists, because only God is, and in Him there is neither sin nor impurity. So that answers that question.

The question that remains is, do other tulkus conform to this pattern? Will another of my kind respond to being trapped in bear trap not by trying to outpower the trap, not by trying to break off his leg, but by understanding that there is no bear to be caught, and it’s not a God trap, but a bear trap?

I’m still considering all this and my answers are by no means final.

ps.:

I think I know of a way for a tulku to really, really fail.

It would need to recognize Sanat Kumar as God and pledge itself fully to him, initiate itself into his resources and basically become his servant. I think such a tulku would be absorbed by Sanat Kumar and would be permanently lost to its original caster; it would share Sanat Kumar’s fate.

There are two main schools of thought in regard to surviving trauma.

One, of modern “psychology”, seems to think that any kind of trauma necessarily damages you and nothing can be either healed or overcome, only avoided.

The other, older and especially espoused by Nietzsche, states that whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, basically saying that trauma is the main instrument of personal growth.

It’s easy to respond to unpleasant experiences by whining and adopting the attitude of perpetual victimhood – woe is me, bad shit happened. This is the most useless attitude one can possibly have and it simply keeps you stuck in a position of perpetual impotence and incompetence.

It is also easy to overcome trauma and rationalize how it was actually good for you because it made you into who you are now, and you turned out fine. That’s how people who were beaten up as children learn to beat up their children, and the circle of evil persists and propagates.

It would be very easy for me to say that the bad things that happened to me forced me to overcome them and thus develop an incredible amount of mental strength. It would be easy to justify everything from my past in hindsight, and say it was all for a good purpose, and now I finally understand. But that would be to adopt falsehoods and to rationalize evil.

The only purpose of that evil was to destroy me. It wasn’t there to help me do anything, and it wasn’t designed so that I would grow by overcoming it. It was designed to prevent me from incarnating my full potential, to cripple me in such a way that I would never become capable of even believing who I actually am. It didn’t make me into what I am now – my consciousness is the same now as it was before. It’s only my knowledge and abilities that grew. If you knew me then, I couldn’t say the things I now know. I couldn’t do the things I now can. My mind was uncomfortably tight and lacked power and reach. My consciousness and essential character, however, were the same then as they are now. I am aware how the events in my childhood and youth were designed to gradually destroy me and put me out of circulation. I know that Sanat Kumar did it on purpose, because he actually bragged about it. It was also designed in such a way that if I overcame, he could claim the credit, he could say that he set everything up just so to make it possible. But I saw the pattern, in myself and in others. He trains us like one would train lions to believe they are sheep, to love eating grass and to hate eating flesh. He trains us to fear, to be small, to be vulnerable, to be alone and unprotected and threatened, and he does so in order to permanently, fatally cut our personal connection with God, to cripple us in such a way that connection with other humans, within the confines of his plan, would remain as our only option.

He trains us to be weak, crippled and damaged, because that is how he wants us. That is what the God of this world has in store for us if we just believe in his plan. We get to be the bonsai kitten, a part of the human caterpillar.

If someone wanted me to manifest my power, I know exactly what was to be done, and it is essentially the opposite of what my life looked like. You don’t train someone to be a king by giving him over to psychotic people with servant-mentalities to teach him how to be a broken servant. You don’t isolate him from knowledge and truth. You don’t bombard him with humiliations every single day and teach him by bad example. No, that’s what you do when you want to destroy someone so permanently and finally, that he never, ever has a chance to grow to wield any kind of power, and if he does, he will retain fatal vulnerabilities that you can exploit to either control or neutralize him. I have no illusions about that, and although I went through the events of my past considering the possibility that it was the only way that would realistically lead to the present-day results, I quickly saw that it wasn’t so. In fact, I learned more useful things from those rare few positive things that happened to me, than from overcoming any difficulty. If anything, having to overcome difficulties convinced me that I’m alone and without help, that I’m unimportant and that I don’t matter. Those were all things that I had to deal with later, with help from above, but they were the actual intended result of what this world and its maker had in store for me. That I overcame is not something he rejoiced, as he would have had he indeed designed it all as temptations to provoke growth. No, he saw it as a disaster, a peril and a grave threat. There is never light at the end of the tunnel he digs for us, and it’s not a tunnel, it’s simply a hole in the ground he intends to close behind us when we get to go deep enough. It’s a grave for souls.

The main difference between myself and most people who have had shit happen to them, is that I saw a great deal more, as it happened. I was not as blind as most. I was, however, very much inclined to justify everything in hindsight, but I saw that as an emotional response and I stopped it in its tracks, and proceeded to look into things calmly and rationally. I saw the design of the trap. In hindsight, I was supposed to see how it’s all designed to produce great things, if I succeeded to get out. If I failed, I would get to see how it was all my fault, because I did things that broke God’s perfect plan for me. I would then try to fix my mistakes in the next attempt, where I would be further weakened and damaged, and so ad nauseam, until there’s not much left. The mechanism that is supposed to weaken the captives is completely ridiculous now that I broke it on the global scale, and actually keeps bombarding me with “failure, mistake, sin, failure” emotional charges, without any sense or pattern, only because it’s what it’s designed to do and its guidance is broken so it does it randomly.

I actually get to see the inner workings of the system; my analysis isn’t merely a theory. I see the metaphorical cogs and wheels. It’s interesting how you can’t really believe it’s all for some greater good once you’ve seen the inner workings, once you’ve seen the guidance scripts and their triggers. It’s even more interesting how you continue desperately wishing to forget what you saw and rationalize it all away, to believe that some good God designed this world for the purpose of evolution, to help us grow and know his greatness in the end. It’s interesting how we have the desire to attribute our victories to God’s prescience and plan, and how desperately we desire to interpret everything bad as our fault, our willful action that broke God’s perfect plan.

And it’s even more interesting to see how this motivation is external, how it’s the result of a script running in the system.

There is a danger of people seeing me as an example that spiritual evolution is possible in this world, if only you are good enough. This of course implies that everybody who failed did so because they weren’t good enough, and I am certain the scripts of the system will make sure that everyone self-depresses with this thought. There are two problems with that, though. First is that I haven’t changed much, my consciousness is the same as it was when I was born, so the theory about me evolving is questionable. The second thing is, how many others like me, who started as equally good, didn’t make it? How many had killed themselves, or died in despair, or were so damaged that they kept running in senseless circles trying to heal themselves unsuccessfully?

If this is a place for evolution, why does an NDE experience of the astral world have greater positive transformational effect than all the things specific to this world? Wouldn’t the opposite be expected if Sanat Kumar’s story were true, if the higher worlds were those of stagnation, and if you want to evolve you need to subject yourself to the rigors and temptations of this one? How is it then that a brief experience of the astral world does more for one’s spiritual condition and is more transformational than the rest of one’s human life? How come the spiritual people aren’t seen as more spiritual because they had more experiences of matter, but because they had more experiences of God?

I read a story once, that hit incredibly close to home. It’s a story about a prince who angered his father the king, who disowned and exiled him. He spent years and decades of his life as a beggar, forgetting that he was once a prince. At one point, his aging father changed his mind and ordered his servants to find his son, reinstate him and fulfill any wish he might have.

When they found the former prince and offered to give him anything he wanted, the beggar begged them to give him a meal.