Category Archives: religion

Work work…

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I ended up modifying my smtp server so that gmail would no longer bounce messages; it was easier than I thought, some simple things on the linux side and mostly DNS work. SPF, DKIM and DMARC. Sounds obscure, but very easy to do if you have a good tutorial and know how to follow the instructions. Fortunately, I kept my Linux skills sharp enough for this kind of stuff.

So, I can now again use my own mail server instead of Google’s, until someone in America again decides to adopt, modify and extinguish some existing and perfectly good open protocol. To defend the world against all kinds of evils, of course, because they’re the good guys. That’s sarcasm, BTW.

I used to be annoyed about the part of the NDE experiences where people come before the Judge and he shows them the retrospective of their life. At that time, I was going through my memories with a metaphoric magnifying glass, finding everything messed up in order to fix it, and it seemed to me that my life is basically all about fixing traumatic shit – traumatic either because it was something I did wrong, or because I was in a desperate situation. In any case, it looked like there’s almost nothing good there, and yet it’s something that’s been put on my plate and now I have to deal with it. If, after all that, someone’s first idea is to make me look into all that again, after it’s all over, I thought I’d be so annoyed I’d chase that person around Heaven with a stick.

And yet, I recently had a situation where exactly that happened; someone showed me where to look, again, with a different perspective, and my whole understanding of my childhood had changed. Not because I missed something before; I was very thorough. I did, however, inspect only myself; my role, my condition, my actions, and apparently that was not enough, because other people’s roles and actions in all of that fundamentally change the whole picture.

It’s not that my approach was wrong. It was incomplete, but not wrong. It’s like handling a medical emergency without handling the war that caused it. Necessary, and good, but doesn’t actually deal with the wider picture.

I did try to understand what’s the point. It is now pretty obvious what happened – Satan seems to have deceived me and modified my life in order to harm me in a very specific way. Why is a different question.

It certainly had consequences, and if I assume that those consequences are what he aimed for, apparently he harmed me in ways that would distort my own perception of myself and make it impossible, or at least incredibly hard, to reclaim myself here, in this body. The goal seems to be to make it impossible for me to coalesce my physical experience and person with my true, original being, because he blew so much dust in my face, I was supposed to spend the rest of this life navel gazing somewhere – trying to repent for and correct my supposed sins, which turned out to be forced errors or even someone else’s faults entirely. Basically, someone else showered me with shit and then tried to convince me it’s obviously my problem – after all, I do stink. Wouldn’t be right to run away from facts, right? Fortunately, God knows better what the facts actually are. Convincing me of them, however, seems to be an ongoing effort, but I seem to be making progress now. I would expect it’s related to the karmic processing, because it’s making me stronger. Me, as a physical being with layers of spiritual energetics of a very high order, as opposed to me as a being that actually incarnates through this.

How does that even work? I mean, I get the general idea. You attain initiation here in the physical, and this creates an energetic layer that makes it possible for you to live a deeper form of spiritual reality, and in my case incarnate more of my true being. It’s a partial incarnation until you get those energy bodies high enough and solid enough that there’s basically no difference between that and the incarnating entity. But that’s not actually something that even happens, historically. Not in this order of magnitude. I feel there’s something of unique importance going on, and I can’t figure it out yet. It has the “on Earth, as in Heaven” quality to it. For the first time, ever.

Not there yet; not quite. But I’m working on it. Apparently, I need to transform all this karmic mass in order to get there. The quantities are enormous, and I wonder what it even is, because it’s not like there are many things this big anywhere.

False expectations

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I was just thinking how people have incredibly silly ideas about what it means to be God. Before Jesus, I would actually understand it – they would expect God’s appearance in this world to be something of supernatural majesty, authority and power, where God appears and everybody drops on their collective arse in fear and obedience. If God appears in human form, they would still expect him to be superhuman, and all the laws of the world to obey him.

But Jesus showed something different. God needed to be born in a barn among the farm animals because there was no room for his parents at the inn. There were persistent questions about his godhood, to the point where the religious authorities decided to have him crucified for blasphemy.

Just think about it. Having someone executed for blasphemy means that for some people it was “obvious” that it’s a matter of an ordinary human “pretending to be a God”. This means that all the miracles attributed to Jesus were either generally unknown, or questionable, or apocryphal. It wasn’t obvious, in a sense that Jesus looked the way he’s historically been painted, with light and authority of God radiating from him, making it obvious he’s a person of God.

If you read the gospels carefully, you’ll understand that he was often starving, and living in abject poverty. He was constantly put into question. He was persecuted. Multiple attempts against his life were made. Does that sound like someone who was “obviously” God? To me, it seems that only the most spiritually intuitive people figured out enough to guess right, but it was far from obvious. Only his resurrection answered this question finally and decisively.

Apparently, people haven’t learned from this, and they still have the assumption that if God were to be born as a human, he’s be a perfect human with superpowers, everything he’s do would succeed, all the resources, energies and laws of the world would serve him and it would be an obvious thing.

No, it would not. Those expectations got Jesus crucified. Those exact expectations are why that Lama poisoned Milarepa – if he’s truly enlightened, I won’t be able to harm him, and if he’s not, I will discredit a fraud. The crucial wrong expectation is that God rules this world, and being one with God basically makes you omnipotent here. But think about it – if Satan rules here, being God merely makes you a target of great hatred from the one who rules this place, and decides who gets the resources, and who gets crucified.

Busy

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I was kind of preoccupied last week or so, and it wasn’t just one thing. I did, however, get some nice pictures this evening.

A7CR with the Sigma 24mm f/3.5 DG DN kicks serious ass for such walks; mostly because the combination is very small and light.

I was thinking about many things.

For instance, how people routinely misunderstand everything I say about spending karma, because it’s such an uncommon thing that almost nobody has any experience with it, and they misinterpret it as some kind of rationalization for depression and so on. It’s absolutely nothing of the kind. People have no experience with it because they are mostly busy creating sinful actions and rationalising them; if they actually ever feel remorse for their actions, it’s usually a rare, almost once in a lifetime event. Spending other people’s karma… that’s exceedingly rare, and most people don’t even understand the mechanism, or the possibility of such a thing. People are afraid of this kind of a spiritual pain to the point that they wrap its potential causes under all kinds of insulation, and when that fails, they tend to completely break down. That one would willingly endure that, and to no fault of one’s own, is beyond their comprehension. So, they invent interpretations, which are of course as wrong as they are silly.

The same goes for darshan. No, it’s not something I can pull out of my arse when I’m feeling bad. I wish. It’s not something you can remember, invoke, reconstruct or imagine. When it’s not there, it’s not there and there’s nothing you can do about it. When it’s there, it’s like the light being suddenly turned on in the dark – and human experience in general is a very dark thing, compared to that. This is the true light, something you can’t even imagine until it’s there, and it’s so much not under my control that I had literal decades without such experiences, and I couldn’t do anything about it either. You can’t remember it, because a memory is merely a shadow, something of a lower dimension of existence, like a faded photograph compared to the actual person. You can’t cause it when it’s absent, the way you can’t cause someone dead to appear merely because you miss them. When people think it’s something I imagined in order to comfort myself, I find it incredibly silly, because if that were so, I wouldn’t have to endure decades without it then. No, it’s an absolutely genuine phenomenon: a person of God stopping by to say “hi”. If you haven’t experienced it, you certainly can’t imagine what it’s like.

There’s a good reason why those two things – spending of karma, and darshan of God – are such opposite experiences. Sin by definition binds you to darkness that is the opposite of the light of God. When Christians talk about sin being something that removes you from God, they do actually know what they are talking about, because that’s exactly how it works. So, when you’re processing sin, it’s the least desirable experience possible for someone who loves God. It’s a combination of pain and spiritual darkness, low energy and all kinds of energetic, physical and emotional damage. It is, however, an extremely effective way of growing your soul and increasing your spiritual powers. It doesn’t feel like it when It’s ongoing; in fact, it feels like being immersed in a spiritual equivalent of raw sewage. But in pauses, when you can feel your purity, power and all sorts of new good stuff that wasn’t there before, it feels very much worth it. But when it starts again, you think: if I ever say anything is worth this, beat me with a spiked club please. 🙂

It’s a vastly unpleasant cure for a terrible thing, but its ultimate fruits are incredible.

Can anyone do it? Well, start with your own, I guess. Everybody has abundance of sin to purify with remorse, and if they don’t think they do, it just means they are so totally immersed in darkness, they lack even the concept of God’s light. There’s a reason why saints talk about their sins, and sinners talk about how much they love and accept themselves. The reason is, when God’s light turns on, you see yourself in true perspective, and you can finally admit what you truly are, in an absolute sense. When you are in complete darkness, you feel the need to comfort yourself, convince yourself you’re fine. None of that exists in the presence of God. If there are impurities, they hurt. You feel a strong need to do something about them. The true perspective is so great that it makes it possible for you to admit things you had to hide from earlier. It’s a strange thing – in a sense, both sinners and saints lie. The sinners lie that they are good, and the saints lie that they are bad.

As I said, I’m thinking about many things.

Darshan

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What does it feel like? I know people think about it when I describe darshan, especially if they haven’t experienced it themselves.

It depends, you know. Depends on who it is – which person of God; depends on whether you know each other already and have an established relationship from before. Depends on what they are there for – to warn, to ask, to teach, to comfort.

But if I had to generalize, I’d say it feels like being restored to your true self. I usually have all sorts of anxieties and stress around me when I’m spending karmic matter. It feels like taking other people’s sin, but in atomic form, so it’s not a coherent thing. When I spend it, I feel pain, and I mentally repeat “I’m sorry”, without knowing exactly what I’m sorry for, because it’s too fragmented and garbled to carry any kind of information, but I’m sincere regardless. But after being immersed in that for some time, it feels terrible. I’m no longer sure of anything, because everything in my consciousness was sin, suffering and remorse for days, weeks, months… sometimes years. If it’s years, I no longer know whether it’s karmic transformation or have I been lost, fallen and rejected by God, and I can always think of reasons and rationalisations, and this anxiety makes me focus, makes me try to do everything right, cross every t and dot every i. I can’t tell what God thinks about what I’m doing, but I can at least try to do everything properly, trusting in what I remember of the truth that I saw, when I saw it, long ago, and trusting it’s still the same, that nothing changed; but I don’t know. I’m never sure, and this uncertainty is amplified by the pain and remorse and suffering of karmic transformation.

And when I am in the presence of God, it’s always sudden, without any fanfare or introduction, or announcement. One moment there’s only myself and the misery of what I’m processing, and the next moment there is a presence, and the quality of that presence is like having a long, sharp thorn removed from my body – all the anxiety, the uncertainty, not knowing what God would say, what he would think about things I had to do in the mean time, about the terrible condition I’m in because of all that stuff I’m processing – it all vanishes instantly, because I know. Sometimes I feel information being passed, and sometimes not, but the presence itself is a truth of a higher order, and it makes me know things without words or thoughts.

What can you know without words or thoughts? Well, I can know that I worried for no reason. If my old friend still sees me the same way, it means this shit didn’t really stick to me, it didn’t corrupt me, change me into something He would not want to be associated with. There’s that sense of being with someone who was there with you before the world, before the stars, before all those things people assume were forever here, but we remember them being born or made. It’s the sense of just being there and knowing that if one of us needs to go to hell to deal with some business, the other will watch his back, in such a serious and dedicated way that he’ll have absolutely nothing better to do until I’m safely out. That’s what Lord Vishnu feels like, to me. There are limits to what He can do here. However, the feeling of His presence alone tells enough – to Him, it doesn’t matter that I’m dying under a terrible burden, that I’m all shades of fucked up, deprived of power, memories and my true being, trying to feel through darkness and remember who I am. He knows who I am, and He treats me as if I’m my old self, in my full power, with all the stuff I can’t even remember properly now. He doesn’t treat me any differently – He’s the same as when we had coffee up there, before the world. In a sense, He’s the complete opposite to how humans treat me; they see my limitations and barely anything beyond them, and think I can’t amount to much. He sees much more of me than I can even guess in this state, and shrugs the limitations off as incidental and irrelevant. No words exchanged, but all of it is felt, and the effect is profoundly restorative and healing. Just that feeling that He remembers me in my complete form, and this here – He understands it, and understands what will be when it passes, and looks forward to us having that coffee.

That’s what it feels like.

Obviously

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I am aware of the fact that I upset some people by very clearly suggesting that most things practiced under the collective umbrella term of spirituality are, in no unclear terms, delusion and fakery, while others are genuine but modest achievements.

Yes; when I was a beginner myself, I thought every person with a spiritual-sounding title and an orange robe is enlightened, everybody talking about spiritual experiences is genuine, every “spiritual book” is genuinely inspired or at least useful, and so on. That was before 1997, when I started experiencing things that were completely unexpected and for which I had no theoretical framework in anything I’ve read or experienced before.

Before, it seemed logical that all the enlightened people are basically saying the same things, in essentially the same terms, and that their experiences confirm what they were taught. It seemed logical – if it’s true, of course it’s confirmed by experience. Since my own experiences confirmed the same things, I considered myself one of them – one of people who experienced the truth.

But as my experiences started to diverge wildly from anything others talked about, I became cautious. It took me a long time to actually change the theoretical framework, because I wanted to be sure it’s true, and that takes time, especially when you’re not copying anyone’s homework.

Now, I am very skeptical of people whose spiritual experiences confirm what they were taught, word by word; the entire dogma. That’s just not how things work when you’re based in reality, like I was. It took me decades to even interpret some experiences properly, that’s how radically they departed from everything I thought I knew.

That answers the next question people have: how come I’m the only one talking about certain things, such as Sanat Kumar, or this world being a weaponised VR, God manifesting as multiple persons, manifestation as a person of God being the goal of personal evolution, and so on? The answer is as simple as it is uncomfortable. No, in fact I’m not the only one talking about those things. There were others before me who figured it out. It’s just that there were so few of us throughout history. All the “spiritual authorities” you know of? Yeah, they are saying the same things I was saying for the first few years into my sadhana. That’s because they are where I was for the first few years of practice. However, I moved on; they haven’t. They didn’t transcend the first phases of understanding, and are basically regurgitating what they were taught and copy-pasting traditional teachings. They had some spiritual experiences. That’s all fine. But there’s more; much more.

The true meaning of the question isn’t that what I’m saying is surprising; it’s that people underestimate who I am by multiple orders of magnitude, and then their questions make sense. If you know who I am, the reason why I’m the only one who managed to understand certain things here becomes blatantly obvious.

I got some things because I remembered them, and that was possible because I was there. Why others didn’t? Obviously, they weren’t there. They couldn’t remember the cat in their lap playing with the pendant around their neck, or that special tone of consciousness of their friends; they weren’t there. Those people aren’t their friends. They were probably born eons later. I can remember how Sanat Kumar got the Jewel, because I was there, and it’s my fault, in a way. There are, let’s see, five people that I know of who have those events in personal experience, one of them being Sanat Kumar and he’s dead, the other being the Sentinel, who is also dead. Six, if I count the Jewel, and I should. That’s why I know those things, and all kinds of “spiritual people” don’t. I was there. I participated in cooking up this mess, and I am here to clean it up. I’m not some phase in spiritual evolution, the way people imagine those things. I’m not some guy who practiced yoga a lot. It just took a lot of effort to remember some of these things here, in this mud, and to repeat initiations from below, in the body.

Why was Buddha the first one to ever figure out Sanat Kumar down here? Because he seems to have been the first one to actually do anything Sanat Kumar minded enough to try to interfere. Why all kinds of “great teachers” completely failed to figure him out? Because they never did anything he had a problem with, probably. It’s interesting how Jesus had all kinds of issues with him, and “great saints” like Ramakrishna and his disciples had none. It kind of tells you something. Why did Satan interfere with me so much? It kind of tells you something, doesn’t it? If a dog is growling at the woods, you tend to wonder what is it that he’s seeing there that you aren’t.