When I was writing the book, I didn’t actually know what was coming next, and sometimes I was itching to find out as much as any reader. For instance, I didn’t initially know who Jesus will be, who Mary will be; when it happened to write itself, I was sitting there and thinking “wow”. I didn’t know that.

I spent quite a few days in the beginning thinking how to portray the Gods; I knew I had to make them human, but I also knew it can’t be completely human because they are always fluid; “human” is too static to actually portray a real picture. Also, I intentionally omitted some parts of “human” that seemed incompatible; they don’t do sex the human way because they have better ways of forming connection. I intentionally skipped too detailed descriptions of their human-like appearance, because in my experience, what they are does communicate human things, but in different ways. A Goddess feels like a woman, but there’s never a sound of her voice or appearance of a female body that would need to create that impression. It’s just obvious from the presence. That’s why I didn’t get into details of their physical appearance, because there actually isn’t one, not in the way we’re used to, on Earth. It’s not like you see a female form and hear a female voice and then you conclude there’s a female being talking to you. No – there’s a female presence in your consciousness and you don’t need a voice or an image to know. I know this will sound weird to people who haven’t experienced it, but sex not only isn’t a social construct, it’s not even a physical thing. It’a a spiritual thing so profound, that physical matter can’t work without adhering to it almost exactly. So, how do you explain what a Goddess feels like without getting much into the details of things that don’t even exist up there? Also, how do I show how different they all are to each other, but show that each and every one is perfect? As I said, it took me a while. I decided to portray them as European nobility and royalty from the past centuries, because it felt right – respect and form of behaviour that doesn’t go away with familiarity. The fact that those people know each other for eons, any they still address each other with Titles and with huge respect. There’s an undertone of that in the Bhagavad-gita and Bhagavata-purana, but I didn’t want to go down the ridiculous path of the Hare Krishnas who mix Indian culture and customs with theology to a ridiculous point. So, I made them have Indian names but behave like European royalty and aristocracy. Only then I added the casual layer, because it’s real. However, the way they are casual with each other is more how the 19th century aristocracy would understand it, not the way people understand it now. The wife brings her husband coffee and curtsies. The man accepts the cup and bows. Everything is respectful, because it’s their love language. You’re casual, but you love the person by respecting them in everything they are. Everybody is different, there’s no concept of equality, but they see the other person and shower them with respect, and that’s how the love is communicated. There are different relationships, and they are usually permanent. For instance, Kay sees the Primordials as her parents, and that persists over eons. She was a young Goddess when the first casualties came from the Earth, and she still maintains that same relationship, eons later. There’s no “growing out” of it. The relationship is incredibly intimate, and it’s what they are. Also, the intimacy of the relationship is initiated by the seniors, because that’s how respect works. You don’t get to say “oh, I’d like to visualise God as my parent”. Doesn’t work that way. When you’re in the presence of God, God initiates the relationship and tells you what you are to each other. Kay initially thought of herself as a maid-servant, but her Mistress upgraded the relationship to mother-daughter, and the other Primordials nodded and joined in. Something can begin as a joke, for instance Carol joking with Lakshmi that he must be her son because he spent centuries in her womb, and she thought about it, nodded and started treating him as her son, for real. Not a joke anymore. The Primordial initiated the relationship and it’s real now, like any Title they can choose to grant. A junior person can’t just proclaim themselves something; that’s offensive, impudent and causes a spiritual degradation and apostasy. They can’t approach the Gods casually because they see Gods approaching each other casually. That stuff is earned; it’s not free, and there’s no egalitarianism. There are no rights. Someone like Kay earned her privileges and was granted them by the Primordials. Now she can do things you can’t, because she’s family. She can approach Lord Vishnu the same way her younger brother Christ could, and ask him about his intimate thoughts, and he reciprocates. If you tried it, you would commit a grave offence and would be thrown out. You’re not allowed. You don’t have the privilege, and rights don’t exist. You see Lord Vishnu and a cute girl holding hands and walking, and you think that’s normal – but it’s normal for them. She’s older than Earth. She’s older than Christ. She’s one of the first two persons who become Gods after the Primordials. She is the one who revealed the intimate thoughts of God, and was granted special Titles. She just looks like a teenage girl, but she’s one of the most formidable persons even among the Gods. She just likes being her daddy’s little girl. Other than that, she can make a Universe or destroy one without batting hey cute eyelashes. She’s ancient, frighteningly powerful and formidable, and she’s been holding her daddy’s hand ten thousand years before you were born, and will keep doing so when you’re either dust, or an ancient angel, or a God in your own right, and she’ll still look like a teenage girl in a frilly dress. I might as well have called her Sarasvati, and nicknamed her Sara. It probably would have been more accurate, but I like fucking with people’s expectations, so I called her Karen, made it into Karuna, and shortened it to Kay.

Respect is the love language of the Gods. Disrespect is the nature of Satan. Have that in mind.

The part where I repeat over and over again the respectful nature of their relationship isn’t an accident. I wanted to drill it into your heads even at the cost of being repetitive. It’s the most important lesson you will ever learn. Nothing matters more. You don’t get to presume. Familiarity doesn’t breed contempt. Husbands address their wife with “my Lady”, wives address their husband with “my Lord”. They mean it every single time. Demons address each other with “bro”, “bitch” or “dog”. Gods address their ancient friend with “Great Lord” or “my Wonderful Lady”. They know each other since Time was a new thing, and they still address each other as the most respected, wonderful person it is their great honour to know and be friends with. They don’t take each other for granted, and the relationship never gets “old” or wears out. They made love to their wife a zillion times and they still bow to her when she enters the room, and she still curtsies and blushes in return. A God addresses the Primordial Goddess with “Holy Mother”. They might be extremely intimate and know each other’s every thought and confide in each other for eons, but this form remains because it’s their love language. Love communicates as respect, and as voluntary submission. You don’t claim rights, and you don’t presume, ever. Even someone as direct and casual as Kay doesn’t just do it with everybody – for instance, she and the Tibetans get to know each other really well before she starts messing with them in an intimate sisterly way. They know she’s the Ancient and Terrible Goddess of Wisdom. She knows they are the Formidable Teachers of the Gods. They communicated deep respect and recognition. And then they fell into a form of relationship that Kay, as a senior, initiated, and it became their love language. You can’t emulate that relationship as an outsider. For instance, Albert and Hilde bow respectfully to their guru Jess, they obey her every word, and they see her as their absolute senior, which she is. The fact that Kay sometimes comes to bring coffee to Jess, tickles her, ruffles her hair, hugs her and runs away to “molest” her next target, is something they watch with a combination of deep respect and appreciation of how funny it is, but they would never presume to have the same privileges. If Jess initiated it, then that would be allowed. To them, both girls are the respected elders, regardless of the fact that they look like young women and have their own private love language.

I think it was all a lesson to those people who have read one of those books on vedanta or tantra where they’re instructed to just visualise any relationship with the Gods that they like, including a sexual one, and it’s all fine. Of course it’s not fine. When I said, decades ago, that you should meditate on the form of God closest to you, I never meant you should presume anything of the sort. After all, I would never dare to do it. To me, a solution to that equation was to imagine Christ in his greatest glory, during the sermon on the Mount, where the glory of God manifested through him and he spoke the Word of God. That’s how I received my first truly powerful spiritual experience of the pure Divine Bliss. Where the Angels tremble with respect, you don’t get to pull your dick out and wank. When Christ addresses Lord Vishnu as “Father”, you don’t get to do that. The respectful way to do it is to remember his many glorious qualities and praise Him. To an Ancient Goddess he might be Daddy. To you, he’s Almighty and Glorious Lord God. Only if he smiles at you, tells you to get up, and calls you “Son”, do you get to call him “Father”. That’s how that works. When you’re respectful, the Divine Bliss goes through you and elevates you. When you’re disrespectful, Divine Bliss avoids you and you wither in your darkness of choice.

In the book, I tried to portray Gods as humans. I think it should be perfectly clear that this is not what they actually look like. Their actual appearance is something like a flowing crystalline light, hard like diamond and yet not static, the way matter in a star is denser than a rock and yet it flows like a liquid or a gas. This light tells you things as it flows and moves, you look at it and you understand its nature, its intent, its power and, in reality, it can shape itself into something quite human if need be. It can shape itself into a completely anthropomorphic shape that again tells you things, and yet this shape can instantly transform into something else if need be. I used that moment when a God or a Goddess can appear completely human, and worked a story around that, as if that were their normal and not exceptional shape. It’s not really invented out of nothing – I just adjusted things to make the storytelling possible. There’s only so much you can tell about flowing crystalline light before people lose you. However, if I write it as a young girl in a summer dress dancing in a meadow, I’m getting your attention. 🙂

I also kept my description of energies limited because after a certain point, they will mean nothing. The difference between a crystalline structure of an Angel and a God is deliberately left unclear, mostly because the Angels are already being beyond human comprehension, and Gods are beyond angelic comprehension. I kept them both simple and mysterious in a way. It’s obvious that they are incredibly powerful, but it’s also obvious that power and family don’t mix. There are no power dynamics. Sure, everybody knows who their seniors are, and there’s incredible respect for them, but the seniors themselves keep their power invisible for the most part. However, this attempt to appear normal and not scary is what makes others respect them even more, not less.

The difference in energy colour of angels, from pale blue through deep blue and indigo to violet and ultraviolet is comparable to a difference humans would understand as that between a child, a normal adult person and an incredibly powerful, influential person – rector of the university, president or monarch, incredibly wealthy person. They all exist within the same species, but everybody understands the differences.

What would their human forms look like? Well, Lord Vishnu would look like a tall, handsome, powerful man in an expensive navy suit. Lady Lakshmi looks like the most beautiful brunette imaginable, tall, dignified, in that dress Lady Shakti made for her, that is an artefact of highest Divine Magic. They both look completely unreal in their magnificence – stately, dignified, but normal, kind and approachable. Lord Vishnu doesn’t look like a politician, or a billionaire, though. He looks like a soldier, of the kind that fight their own battles; someone incredibly strong, focused, experienced, like a special forces commander who became a general, and then became an ambassador or a president, only more.

Lord Shiva looks like a normal guy in jeans, t-shirt and sneakers. He is very intentional about appearing normal, non-intimidating, comforting and calming, because he knows how easy it would be for people to be terrified by him. His wife, Lady Shakti, has a very deliberate look of a supermodel who dresses down to look like the girl next door; imagine Virginia Madsen from “Electric Dreams” and “Dune”, barefoot and in a white summer dress. Tall blonde, blue eyes, calm, simple, modest bearing. They both have a look of someone who tries very hard not to crush the world by existing too hard.

Lord Azazel wears all black – black shoes, black pants, silky black shirt, purple tie; it’s his internal joke on being a former black demon. He looks like someone who is driven in a cadre of black armoured SUVs with tinted windows and followed by bodyguards, someone who owns JP Morgan Chase or something like it. Only, much more powerful, and doesn’t actually need bodyguards and cars. He’s tall, calm, supremely collected, always observing and thinking ahead, silent unless he has something to say, and when he does, it always counts. His wife, Lady Karuna, is a head shorter than him, looks like a teenager in a frilly summer dress, walking between skip and a dance, smiling and lovely.

Lord Azrael and Lady Hypatia look like stately supreme court judges. They look middle aged, with gray hair, and in dignified robes.

Lady Zina looks like a short Jewish lady in her forties, dressed in something with deep blue and purple hues. Her appearance is motherly, non-intimidating, kind and feeling like home. Lord Buddha looks like a normal, dignified, calm and collected middle-aged man, at complete peace with himself, observing things, and occasionally making a comment that goes straight to the point.

Shankaracharya looks like a modern saddhu – meaning, he wears something that blends in the background, not attracting attention to himself, looking like a gray man blending in. Nothing ostentatious, nothing out of the ordinary, but feels very much like Buddha; sharp, crisp mind, total observation, accurate conclusions, uncompromised adherence to the truth, wherever it leads. His wife, Zeb-un-Nissa, looks like an upper-class Hindu woman dressed in modern, Western-like clothes with slight Indian hints; classy, calm, quiet, of profound and piercing intellect and deep, settled emotions.

Lady Grace looks like a supermodel in office clothes, dressed like a junior partner in a high end law firm. She looks like God’s secretary who’s also a Goddess. Her long, brown hair is usually tied back in a bun, she’s tall, confident but mellow and kind, at peace with herself in a way that radiates like a specific energy, and everything about her says “perfection”. Her husband, Carol, looks like an engineer or a professor at MIT, normal pants and shirt, relaxed and somewhat geeky, but with an aura of confidence of someone who made a terrible mistake, was forgiven and saved despite himself, and is now loved and accepted by the most important people in the world.

Peter and Paul look like working-class men, simple, modest and yet strikingly dignified, of deep experience and authority. Clare of Montefalco and Catherine of Siena look like classy Italian women, dressed in comfortable clothes of light colours, modest, dignified and of profound depth and class. Bernard Gui looks like a judge/inquisitor; bright, sharp, focused, taking no shit from anyone, seeing through all guises and deceptions, dutiful, diligent and eminently righteous. He wears formal clothes, acts seriously, leaves an impression of someone you don’t fuck with, but also someone who would much rather teach and forgive than condemn. He looks like a middle-aged judge in formal attire, basically.

Augustine looks like something between a bishop and a rector of the university; something like JRR Tolkien, I guess. His wife looks frilly, dynamic, young – in her late 20s or early 30s, in a dress of bright colours, joyful mood and a bright, ecstatic smile of deep happiness and being home.

Theresa and Juan look like a modern-dressed Spanish couple in their thirties. They look settled, deeply happy, relaxed yet disciplined, constrained yet free.

The Tibetans look modern, casual, dressed in something between Western and Indian style. They look young, in their twenties; calm, collected and beautiful, with the depth of technical expertise that makes other Gods come to them for counsel. The women are as similar as they are different; they both look like variations on the appearance of Lady Shakti, who was their original template, while the man looks like a variation on Lord Shiva.

The Germans – Berfrid, Isalde, Albert and Hilde – look like a modern German family with slight hints of the Tibetan lineage in colours and shapes of their outfits. They are serene, casual, with deep expertise and immense power.

Christ looks stereotypically Christ-like – tall, long hair, strikingly deep eyes, the red jewel in his heart, but he’s dressed in a more modern attire, something casual enough to be relaxing, and yet formal enough to look profoundly dignified. Maria Magdalena is an amazingly beautiful brunette, shorter than Christ, dressed in modern western clothes – jeans and a white shirt, for instance – who is usually silent until she has something to say, and when she does, it’s the Word of God, and not even the Primordials have anything to add. She keeps mostly with Christ, Vishnu and Lakshmi and meditates; she’s a very private, modest person of great depth, but when she shows herself, her depth and power leave everybody stunned.

When Lakshmi acts in her alias of Mary, she dresses down, appearing normal and motherly, and yet profoundly beautiful, calm and collected. She manages to balance the look that’s both a carpenter’s wife and the Queen of Heaven.

Of course, don’t take the forms too seriously, but that’s what I had in mind. 🙂

I was thinking about something, related to the last book and to how some people understand it.

What I need you to understand that the reason why nobody knows the things I wrote about, why nobody could possibly know them or verify them, unless they were one of the people there, or were told what happened by one of the people there. It’s because nobody has the right to know. You can’t access “akasha records” and see it. It’s beyond anybody’s access privileges.

How can I know? I’m not you. The way someone like Goddess acts with me is not the way she would act with you. If you tried to see yourself in some kind of an intimate situation with the Gods, behaving as if you’re one of them, the impudence of it would spiritually degrade you so much, I don’t recommend even thinking about it.

Let me just tell you an anecdote I didn’t describe before. Once, Goddess wanted to get in touch with me, and went past the Judges. They wanted to warn her about the rules of engagement, the strict limitations imposed by this place and the contracts. She didn’t pay them a single look, and the way her presence felt made the Judges remain silent because they didn’t want to tempt fate, as she was in a very foul mood, and didn’t feel like entertaining idiots. Shit froze in their asses from Her mere presence in passing, because one wrong move with Her and you die. And those were the Judges. I already wrote who they are and what their order of magnitude is, and what they are to you. However, she adhered to all the rules precisely, because she knew them better than anyone.

She’s intimate with people who are her family and friends since long before you were one of those fluttering butterfly newborn souls born from some event between them. If you’re not one of those people who were there when Time was a new thing, do not assume any kind of friendly familiarity, because we don’t appreciate that. Start with respect, and learn. Don’t rush head first into things that would make Angels shit themselves, because they know better.

I keep seeing all kinds of nonsense people come up with, where they imagine themselves in some kind of a romantic context with some deity. I find it abominable. Just fucking imagine yourself being drooled over by some person you don’t even know. If you find the idea pleasant, you’re an idiot and a creep.

That accursed Vedanta thing that made everybody believe they can imagine God in any form and imagine themselves in a romantic or sexual context with a deity and God would have to oblige because God is some impersonal ocean of consciousness you can mould into whatever you want, it did incredible amounts of damage due to sheer disrespect it caused, and disrespect causes more damage to souls than any other kind of sin. It made people treat God as a personal figment of imagination under their control, something created ad-hoc to fulfil a purpose and be disposed thereafter. So, they act with a God the way they would act with a sex toy of some kind – something that exists because of them, and for their uses. This attitude doesn’t cause spiritual progress. It causes degradation and fall.

That’s why I’m shocked by the fact that people don’t actually understand the implications behind that last book, especially when they think everybody should be able to verify things and others should also be able to know. That assumption comes from some satanic idea such as egalitarianism. Everybody should be able to do nothing. That’s why the fact that I can know those things has implications. I’m not everybody. The fact that I was given permission to write those things down is an extreme privilege and a blessing. They could have as well told me to keep it to myself, as they did for many things before.

I already told you that God gets a say. God is not some passive pool from which every cow gets to drink. Brahman is such a pool, but your relationship with God determines your level of access to that pool. If you access God with respect, admiration, worship and understanding of what you’re dealing with, this correct attitude will open up a wellspring within your soul from which brahman will manifest more in you; basically, you get water from that lake to drink. If you approach Gods, Angels, Judges and other seniors without respect, your soul will dry out and you will wither and die, and God will see that it is good.

Learn humility or die. I don’t actually care which one it will be, but if you approach the Gods without humility, you will be dealt with.

There’s a story from Bhagavatapurana about a Brahmana who wanted to test the Gods to see which one has the most sattvo-guna in his makeup. It didn’t end well for him or his descendants, because Lady Lakshmi wasn’t amused, and she withdrew her blessings. Nobody gets to treat her holy husband disrespectfully and walk away with impunity. There are consequences of arrogance and presumption, and you might wish never to find out what they look like from up close.

“Miss them?”

Kay sat at Lord Vishnu’s feet at the orchard, smiling timidly.

“Terribly”, replied the Lord. “I’m their guardian angel, so I know everything that’s going on and what they’re going through, but that somehow makes it worse. They were occasionally going through terrible things and I could only try to warn them. I feel almost as helpless as they do”, he sighed. “You?”

“Yeah”, Kay’s smile faded. “I was so used to them being here. I know they are out of the worst of it now, but the closer it is, the more nervous I am and the more I miss them. And the fact that you and others are here with me doesn’t help – I miss them specifically, and nothing else will fill the hole”, she sighed and hugged her knees. “Tell me stories about them, my Lord. You know them the best. I know you and Lord Shiva are different, and I know you both, but I’d like to hear it from you. How are you different, and where are you similar? I mean, you are both male Primordial Gods, but you are nothing alike.”

“Mahesh is the one who takes charge in emergencies and attacks the deep causes of the problem. Remember?”

“Yes. When the victims started arriving, we were all in complete shock and crying, and he just took action and handled it all”, Karuna smiled. “Also, when Hypatia reported what’s going on with the Germans”.

“Oh, he cried too”, Vishnu smiled back. “It’s just that his instinctual reaction to things that shock him and make him cry is extremely aggressive. He puts a shield around us, wields his most powerful assets, and just solves the problem. I think we have an implicit division of duties; he solves the root cause of the problem, I try to heal the victims and deal with the consequence side of the issue.”

“You hug and comfort the victims, he finds who’s responsible and someone gets to regret their choices”, she grinned. “It’s amazing how I never get scared when I saw him in action, and I intellectually know that he’s the scariest person in existence when he’s angry. In fact, I get goosebumps in the most positive way. He’s awesome”, she giggled. “I always wondered, did the two of you ever spar? To see who’s stronger?”, she winked.

“Never. Even the thought of fighting him, thinking how to hurt him, even in jest, feels like a terrible sin. I never did it, and I never will. Have you ever thought about sparring with Mandy? Think about how to kill her?”, he looked at her seriously.

“No!”, Karuna almost shouted in shock, and her eyes glistened with tears. “That would be terrible!”

“Exactly”, Vishnu nodded. “We Gods can never mock-fight, because our power is always to be used to protect the family, never to attack it. I would rather lose my powers altogether than direct them at Mahesh. The purpose of my power is to heal, protect, guard, anticipate problems, and figure out ways out of them. Thinking about fighting him, or fighting you, feels so wrong I can’t actually do it. I’m sorry I upset you, sweetheart. But I had to make that point”, he smiled at the Goddess.

“I know”, Kay smiled back. “It was just a shocking, terrible thought. But tell me about the Lady. You two know each other for eons. Tell me about her.”

“See that thing on your forehead?”, Vishnu pointed at the golden circle. “That’s what they actually are, in their deepest nature, or at least as deep as I can see. When they descend a step, they become two separate people, with separate personalities, energies and abilities.”

“Woah. You mean, they are the Throne of God in their actual true nature, and it splits into a male-female couple as it descends into manifestation?”, Karuna touched the golden light on her brow in amazement.

“Yes. How that works is the deepest mystery of Creation.”, the God’s eyes went soft.

“And if one of them died for real in that pit of Satan down there, or if Shiva got into trouble as usual as he tries to chew off more than he can swallow, and you couldn’t save him…?”

“No more world. No more Relative Creation. No more God. Worst ending of everything”, Vishnu shivered in terror. “They manifest the World, between them. Without them, there would be nothing. No meaning, no point, no world, no love, no light, no consciousness.”

“So, it’s not just me”, Kay nodded seriously. “When I look at either of them, I feel they are the most fundamental, most essential reality. I can’t imagine life without them, or the world without them, and now that they are temporarily absent it feels… as if everything is on pause. We’re just waiting for them to return before life can go back to normal”.

“No, it’s not just you”, Vishnu smiled and ruffled the girl’s hair. “It’s not just you”.

“So, that’s why they do their spells together”, she mused with a smile. “It takes two of them, and they remember their higher state where they are one, and that changes how the Throne of God manifests and what it is.”

“Smart cookie”, Vishnu grinned, and Kay glowed with his praise. “Let’s go have coffee and see how the others are doing”.

“Wait a minute”, Karuna stood still in shock. “They are down there. They are growing in power. They are manifesting something very similar to what they usually are. If that completes, the Throne of God manifests on Earth. Does that mean what I think it means?”

“Honestly, my daughter, if you didn’t already have the Title of Goddess of Wisdom, I’d give it to you now”, he smiled as he stood up and offered her his hand. “Come, let’s walk”.