The Golden Light

“Miss them?”

Kay sat at Lord Vishnu’s feet at the orchard, smiling timidly.

“Terribly”, replied the Lord. “I’m their guardian angel, so I know everything that’s going on and what they’re going through, but that somehow makes it worse. They were occasionally going through terrible things and I could only try to warn them. I feel almost as helpless as they do”, he sighed. “You?”

“Yeah”, Kay’s smile faded. “I was so used to them being here. I know they are out of the worst of it now, but the closer it is, the more nervous I am and the more I miss them. And the fact that you and others are here with me doesn’t help – I miss them specifically, and nothing else will fill the hole”, she sighed and hugged her knees. “Tell me stories about them, my Lord. You know them the best. I know you and Lord Shiva are different, and I know you both, but I’d like to hear it from you. How are you different, and where are you similar? I mean, you are both male Primordial Gods, but you are nothing alike.”

“Mahesh is the one who takes charge in emergencies and attacks the deep causes of the problem. Remember?”

“Yes. When the victims started arriving, we were all in complete shock and crying, and he just took action and handled it all”, Karuna smiled. “Also, when Hypatia reported what’s going on with the Germans”.

“Oh, he cried too”, Vishnu smiled back. “It’s just that his instinctual reaction to things that shock him and make him cry is extremely aggressive. He puts a shield around us, wields his most powerful assets, and just solves the problem. I think we have an implicit division of duties; he solves the root cause of the problem, I try to heal the victims and deal with the consequence side of the issue.”

“You hug and comfort the victims, he finds who’s responsible and someone gets to regret their choices”, she grinned. “It’s amazing how I never get scared when I saw him in action, and I intellectually know that he’s the scariest person in existence when he’s angry. In fact, I get goosebumps in the most positive way. He’s awesome”, she giggled. “I always wondered, did the two of you ever spar? To see who’s stronger?”, she winked.

“Never. Even the thought of fighting him, thinking how to hurt him, even in jest, feels like a terrible sin. I never did it, and I never will. Have you ever thought about sparring with Mandy? Think about how to kill her?”, he looked at her seriously.

“No!”, Karuna almost shouted in shock, and her eyes glistened with tears. “That would be terrible!”

“Exactly”, Vishnu nodded. “We Gods can never mock-fight, because our power is always to be used to protect the family, never to attack it. I would rather lose my powers altogether than direct them at Mahesh. The purpose of my power is to heal, protect, guard, anticipate problems, and figure out ways out of them. Thinking about fighting him, or fighting you, feels so wrong I can’t actually do it. I’m sorry I upset you, sweetheart. But I had to make that point”, he smiled at the Goddess.

“I know”, Kay smiled back. “It was just a shocking, terrible thought. But tell me about the Lady. You two know each other for eons. Tell me about her.”

“See that thing on your forehead?”, Vishnu pointed at the golden circle. “That’s what they actually are, in their deepest nature, or at least as deep as I can see. When they descend a step, they become two separate people, with separate personalities, energies and abilities.”

“Woah. You mean, they are the Throne of God in their actual true nature, and it splits into a male-female couple as it descends into manifestation?”, Karuna touched the golden light on her brow in amazement.

“Yes. How that works is the deepest mystery of Creation.”, the God’s eyes went soft.

“And if one of them died for real in that pit of Satan down there, or if Shiva got into trouble as usual as he tries to chew off more than he can swallow, and you couldn’t save him…?”

“No more world. No more Relative Creation. No more God. Worst ending of everything”, Vishnu shivered in terror. “They manifest the World, between them. Without them, there would be nothing. No meaning, no point, no world, no love, no light, no consciousness.”

“So, it’s not just me”, Kay nodded seriously. “When I look at either of them, I feel they are the most fundamental, most essential reality. I can’t imagine life without them, or the world without them, and now that they are temporarily absent it feels… as if everything is on pause. We’re just waiting for them to return before life can go back to normal”.

“No, it’s not just you”, Vishnu smiled and ruffled the girl’s hair. “It’s not just you”.

“So, that’s why they do their spells together”, she mused with a smile. “It takes two of them, and they remember their higher state where they are one, and that changes how the Throne of God manifests and what it is.”

“Smart cookie”, Vishnu grinned, and Kay glowed with his praise. “Let’s go have coffee and see how the others are doing”.

“Wait a minute”, Karuna stood still in shock. “They are down there. They are growing in power. They are manifesting something very similar to what they usually are. If that completes, the Throne of God manifests on Earth. Does that mean what I think it means?”

“Honestly, my daughter, if you didn’t already have the Title of Goddess of Wisdom, I’d give it to you now”, he smiled as he stood up and offerer her his hand. “Come, let’s walk”.

Stupid questions

Some things are repeatedly crossing my mind because people think them when they are reading my articles and books, especially the last one.

For instance, “how can he possibly know this?”, or “why does nobody else know this?”

It’s an annoying question, because it’s the wrong one. The right question is “who is he actually?” When that’s correctly answered, everything else is very easily understandable.

You essentially have a flow chart of possibilities. First junction is whether this is fiction or a fictionalised description of reality. If it’s fiction, you have no problems – you think I just invented it and that’s that. If it’s fictionalised description of reality, you have a problem, because I’m not writing some generalised nonsense like, basically, everybody else. I’m being extremely specific, and I’m also talking about things that should be extremely hard to know, for instance what happened between two or three people who were in a private room that is isolated from any kind of spying. The answer is obvious – either somebody who knows told me, or I was one of the people in the room and I remembered it. People dislike both options because of what they imply. The possibility that a Primordial God personally told me what they and their peers talked about implies that I’m on an intimate basis with them, and this also implies that what I’m writing needs to be taken absolutely seriously because it all comes from the highest authority. The option that I’m one of those Primordials is even worse. So, they get stuck at asking stupid questions, not because they couldn’t answer them, but because they don’t like the answer, likely because they want to keep their ideas and in order to do that, they need to keep a diminished idea about me, to rationalise their so-called skepticism.

I mean, some things are so fucking obvious. Years ago I wrote about remembering certain things because I was there, and in the book I narrated them from the position of a character in the book. If you have a problem connecting those dots, you have negative IQ. I don’t think people are actually that stupid. They just don’t like the conclusion, so they stop far enough from it and pretend to ask questions. That’s what I find annoying.

Rules

I’ve seen an interesting video from a photographer who got annoyed by all the stupid “rules for photography” stuff that can be found online.

Basically, it’s the “if you’re serious about photography, you’ll use primes, use only the manual mode, compose in thirds, not shoot from standing perspective” and so on. Instead, he argues that most professionals use zooms because they are good and they are also less likely to leave you without a proper lens for the shot; that manual mode is basically relying on camera’s metering with extra steps, and you should use either aperture or shutter priority instead for most cases, and go to manual only if you’re shooting flowing water or astrophotography. Also, that composition is far more complex than the thirds or the golden ratio, and that it’s about the symmetry, weight, lines that go through the frame and so on. It’s not that you first need to learn the rule of the thirds and then learn to break it, it’s that the rule sucks in the first place because it’s simplistic. For instance, central composition is usually derided as boring, but it’s sometimes exactly how you need to compose the shot. For instance, if it’s a portrait and you want your subject to look into the audience and metaphorically make eye contact, central composition is how it’s done. The famous shot of the Afghan girl is the case in point.

Also, if you saw something from a standing perspective and found it striking, then that’s the perspective it needs to be shot from.

I get where he’s coming from. I personally always found it annoying when beginners read a book or a tutorial on photography and then they’re suddenly the resident forum experts on composition, sharpness and everything. The rule of the thirds, in particular, is particularly annoying because it works often enough that it looks like a rule, but it is in fact a very crude approximation for a complex perceptual geometry which includes all kinds of things, like lines going through the frame, weight of certain elements that need to be balanced with other elements, connection between the elements, colour and light, and also the intent of the picture itself. It’s usually said that the placement of the subject on the side-third makes the image dynamic. However, what if you want to portray serenity and calm? What if “dynamic” is actually something you don’t want in that picture? Suddenly, that rule of the thirds doesn’t help. Also, one of the important things is to follow the subject’s eyes with the composition. If you’re taking a portrait, and you want to create negative space in the direction where the subject is looking. However, if the subject is looking into the camera, a central composition might be ideal. So, basically, you need to know what you’re doing and how the image will look on the wall, and not blindly follow some set of rules meant for beginners to get their way around things.

Also, the zooms. I absolutely agree that the wedding photographers and photojournalists prefer them, and that they should, because they are a better tool for the job. Also, I prefer zooms for landscape photography, and most landscape photographers agree. On the other hand, if I’m using a zoom, and I’m constantly at the longest focal length, wide open, then I’m actually using a poor substitute for a prime. If I’m using a 24-105mm f/4 at 105mm f/4, and I’m shooting closeups, what I actually need is a 100mm f/2.8 macro. If I’m constantly using a 16-35mm f/4 zoom at its widest focal length, why not just use a 16mm prime? Primes are better for people who know what they are doing, and for situations where they have things under control – they know what will happen, and what focal length is good for that. You need to have enough experience to formulate your preferences, and even then, your preference can be for a zoom, at least in some situations. So, it’s another thing where it depends. However, when I say “knowing what they are doing”, you need to understand it in context – sometimes not knowing what you’re doing is the whole point of a job. Things change, they can be unpredictable, and by definition you don’t know what you’re doing. If you’re taking pictures of riots, framing can change from wideangle to telephoto in a hurry. If you’re shooting weddings, framing can be an intimate portrait at one moment, and a dynamic wide shot the next. However, if you’re in control, for instance in a studio, or a specific set, or you’re working with a model outside, you by definition know what you’re doing and you can choose a specific lens for the task, that’s going to do that one thing well. So, a choice is not between a zoom and a bag of primes. It’s between a zoom, and a prime that does that one thing you intend to use the zoom for, only better.

As for the perspective; sure, standing perspective is great for shooting cityscapes, or crowds, or people in context, doing people things. However, if you want to take a picture of a child doing child things, better kneel to their perspective and get into their world. If you’re taking a picture of a flower, get into the flower’s world, because from your perspective it will look insignificant. From the flower’s perspective, it’s the centre of the world and it matters.

Would I shoot film?

In 2006, when I transitioned to Canon EF system, one of the reasons for it was the option to use the same lenses and other hardware to shoot film. I bought a used EOS 3 on ebay, and also an EOS 650 on the local used photo gear market, together with the EF 35-70mm f/3.5-4.5 lens.

I also bought lots of Astia and Velvia and put them in the fridge, for whenever I decide to actually go and shoot film, and an Epson 4990 flatbed film scanner, because I already sold my Minolta Dimage IV to finance the Olympus E1 purchase.

However, as it turned out the 5d was so much better than film, that this turned out to be pointless. I did shoot some film, but my heart wasn’t in it. There was no actual gain. There was no artistic reason to do it. The digital actually gave me more artistic freedom, and it also gave me better shadows, better detail crispness on magnifications, less noise, and higher ISO.

Canon 5d, EF 35-70mm f/3.5-4.5

The question “would I shoot film again if that were a real option?” was unanswered for me in 2006. I retained all the necessary hardware – two film bodies, film in the fridge, scanner on my desk. However, having this option available and knowing that I didn’t really want to use it answered it for me.

I stopped caring about film, because digital did everything for me. When I bought into the Sony FE system, that question was long answered, and I no longer cared that the new lenses will never be able to work on film. So, that’s my answer to the question “would you shoot film again, if it became a real option for you?”. No, I wouldn’t. It’s just hassle with no benefits. I like the way film looks, but I like digital more. “Oh, how can you say that, the film is organic, it’s physical, it’s not just a computer producing numbers” yada yada. Yeah, sure, and the point of shooting it for me was to scan it and produce a set of numbers on a computer. It’s just that the process of getting there introduced dependency on other people, whole other industries, and was pointlessly messy. I loved photography, and film was how you got it. I suffered through all its quirks because that was what you had to do. That’s no longer the case.

With digital, it doesn’t matter that I live on an island where there are no film labs or photography stores. I don’t have to figure out how to buy film, where to process it, how it will deal with the summer heat, how to scan it. I don’t have to worry that my favourite emulsions went out of production or are about to. My favourite “emulsion” was a digital 35mm sensor ever since the Canon 5d. It did exactly what I wanted. I could shoot deep, juicy dark colours, finally. I could shoot hand-held in the dark woods after rain and get workable exposures. And, finally, I could do every part of photography myself.

What’s my favourite film emulsion? The Sony 35mm sensor from A7RV and A7CR.

A7RV, FE 135mm f/1.8 GM

Equality

I keep getting annoyed when someone talks about equality, because it’s a satanic construct, and people say it with some kind of a worshipful tone, as if it’s the cornerstone of their belief.

Equality is the most irrelevant thing imaginable. Nobody in Heaven even knows what that’s supposed to mean. Nobody here even knows what it’s supposed to mean, either. Erasing the difference between male and female toilets? Because that’s where it always seems to end. Equality isn’t an opposite of inequality, it’s the opposite of diversity and variety. It’s the refusal to accept and respect variety, and to accommodate for the differences. When someone wants equality, what it actually means is they don’t want to acknowledge you and respect you in all that you are. What they actually want is an army of uniformed Nazis marching in lock step, all feeling equally miserable, all equally powerless, while that person who says they want equality actually wants the power to dictate what’s equal enough and who should have what. If you think I’m exaggerating, you’re a fool. Just look at America today. Look at the aftermath of the French revolution. Look at the aftermath of all revolutions that purported to free people from inequality. It was a tyranny and a slaughterhouse, each and every time.

In the latest book, I tried very hard to paint a picture of Heaven how I know it. It’s not fantasy. It’s reality reduced to anthropomorphic imagery in order to be understandable to humans.

I talked to AI, trying to get it to give me its opinion of the text, and I noticed how it spews American indoctrination even when it wants to say that something is good. For instance, it noticed how Peter “overcame his patriarchal upbringing”, and I answered that there’s a big difference between patriarchy and treating women poorly. Heaven is a patriarchy. Women there would rather die than disobey their men. Patriarchy is not a bad thing, it’s a great thing. It’s when men and women behave normally according to their nature. Men are dominant and protective, and women are submissive and nurturing. Patriarchy is when a woman has a problem and all men rush to solve it. When women are treated poorly, when they are seen as less, it’s not patriarchy; it’s some terrible, abusive aberration.

I also tried to portray the differences accurately. For instance, all Gods and Goddesses are different. They are not rubber-stamped industrially as instances of some abstract concept of enlightenment. They are a hugely diverse crowd with all kinds of different abilities, different character, different perfections. Also, nobody cares if they are equal. Sometimes they are well balanced and you can say they are equal, like Azrael and Hypatia. Sometimes they are completely different, like Buddha and Zina, and yet they fit together perfectly. Sometimes the man is much stronger than the woman, but the balance shifts the other way later, like Zee and Kay, where she gets to be incredibly powerful, and yet it changes nothing in their relationship, because nothing is based on power dynamics there. Sometimes, the woman is immensely more powerful than the man, like with Carol and Grace, to the point where Carol scratches his head and tries to figure out how a village idiot like him ended up with the most holy and powerful angel in Heaven, but it doesn’t matter. She constantly teaches him things, but she remains feminine and submissive, never bossy or arrogant.

Also, the difference in power means nothing in their relationships. The lattice of interpersonal connections in Heaven couldn’t care less about those things. For instance, Azrael starts as a normal angel, who is put in charge of the Judges. Some of his subordinates are Gods and Goddesses, and they obey his orders and learn about the job with no ego or power play; and in pauses, he worships them and learns from them. When he eventually becomes a God, he notices that nothing changed – the Gods treated him like family before, and they treat him like family still. He was never made to feel less when he was a lower species; they always showered him with love and care. He smiles and thinks that they’re not Gods because they are powerful, they are Gods because they are awesome. They look like a chaotic crowd of completely different beings, but they all love each other and love makes them observe, pay attention, respect others, and worship their superiors; and they all know who their superiors are, not because the superiors would act in some arrogant or superior way, because they don’t. They just know, because they are filled with awe in their presence, and they would never do anything that would make the superiors think less of them, because the feeling when some Primordial looks at them with pride is more fulfilling than all imaginable treasures. For instance, Carol joked with Lady Lakshmi that she’s his mother because he spent centuries in her womb. She thinks about it appreciatively and accepts his reasoning, and basically adopts him and starts thinking of him as her son, and he is shocked at how proud, fulfilled and wonderful that makes him feel, having a Primordial Goddess as his mother.

Likewise, the Primordials are all in awe of each other. They are all completely casual, for instance the women fooling around making dresses and ornaments for each other, and then Lakshmi adjusts Shakti’s dress, touches her body directly and feels the ultimate power of God that just happens to be her sister – the power that created the world, and when God said “let there be Light”, that who was meant; she’s that Light of God. Shakti, on the other hand, is in awe of Lakshmi, who is in charge of seeing what is good and blessing it so that it magnifies, and seeing what is evil and cursing it so that it withers. When God “saw that it was good”, it’s Lakshmi. She overrides chaos and statistics and makes “luck” as an emergent property of her blessing. The women are completely different, their powers are not even on the same vector, it’s like the difference between colour and mass, and yet they are all interconnected with bonds of love and respect. Heaven isn’t about equality; nobody could care less about it. You don’t have to be their equal to be seen, loved and respected. You don’t have to be equal to have your tragedy mourned. When Shakti wept holding the mortally wounded Zina, she didn’t care that Zina would be classified as multiple orders of magnitude less than herself; “a mere Demon”. The contrast in magnitude between the two couldn’t be greater. A Primordial Goddess who is literally the Light of God holding a dying Demon and crying inconsolably because of her tragedy. Only Satan and his minions ever cared about equality. Wanting equality reeks of mortal sin.